Diary Pt. 1

Here we go:

So what am I thinking right now?

…What really was that all about? I opened up to him..I opened up my heart to him…Gave him a piece of my heart. Gave him a piece of myself. He took it. He made me believe he wanted it. I’m not blaming him for my actions but I’m an intelligent girl…I have issues…I won’t open up to someone unless they make me believe they want me…He made me believe, so I believed – I believed he was the one. He did all the right things, said all the right things…no scratch that, no he didn’t…he made me believe he wanted me so I in turn twisted his actions to believe he did the right things. I in turn twisted his words believe he said the right things…not much twisting needed to be done…the words flowed from his mouth. I ignored the red flags and chased the cool breeze it made as it waved in the sky. the breeze was refreshing…he made me believe he wanted me, so I believed he was the one.

Broken rules were OK because they were seen as investments. Extra privileges were seen as down payments. Arguments were seen as building a strong foundation. Expensive gifts seen as financial commitment to what we had. It was nothing but broken rules, extra privileges, arguments, and overly expensive gifts…and I paid with my heart…

I paid with my being, I paid with the life that flows through my veins, the wisdom vibrating in my head, the intelligence overflowing from my brain, and the joy bubbling in my heart. In exchange for you, I gave you my being…because you made me believe..

The point is this: Sometimes we don’t realise how much of ourselves we are willing to lose in order to gain another individual, and I don’t believe that is the way things should be. There are always red flags along the way in friendships and relationships that we normally ignore, but we all really need to stop doing that. Stop making excuses and coming up with fantabulous names for your relationships that are really a mess and are the collision of two vulnerable, opportunistic people at the “right time”. Accountability is key, but the thing about accountability is we actually need to LISTEN to the people we are accountable to…I didn’t and I ended up here, but we thank God for healing and restoration 🙂

Feel free to holla at me with any comments or anything…hope this helps someone : )

Fatmohn Scoop x